So much has been going on lately and I have some heavy thoughts and feelings I need to get out.

1st off my aftercare group from rehab has gotten out of control in my mind. It no longer feels like such a safe environment. 90% of the woman are still using, in active addiction. I can not see how this helps anyone who is staying clean. Except that it is a reminder of how ugly active addiction can be and how hard it is out there and that I am truly blessed to be 8 months clean today!
 
These woman are scaring me and I am truly concerned for their safety. I am also noticing how I am becoming judgement and I hate that. I have spend a long time being judged myself. This makes me feel like a bad person inside. I can't help it. Let me explain. 

You see when one of the girls is using and then comes and trys to give me advice on something, I can't help but think. How can you tell me what it is I need to do in order to stay clean and work through something if you are using. It is hard to take advice when I'm thinking, hey, maybe it's a good idea if you took your own advice. I am trying to keep an open mind by saying to myself that everyone has life experience and that is enough to go on. But let me tell you it's hard.

Also some of the girls are using just before group and some even during. I swear some go to the bathroom and use when there. This makes it difficult in many areas.

1st off when you are high at group it makes it difficult to take anything in. When the girls who are clean share, I feel like they are not validated nor listened too. This takes away value from what they are sharing. We can spend 45mins on why someone relapsed which is important no doubt. However in my opinon we don't need 45 mins to figure out why they used. The reality is you use because you want to. I have learned that today you have a choice. I use to believe I didn't have a choice. Today I know I do. And so do they. Nothing can make us use. We use because we want to.

I know for me when I am using I cannot take anything in. Some of the woman don't see the good in their lives because they can't hear the pain of those suffering who are still clean. If they listened to what others where going through they could see how grateful they can be for what they do have. I have many examples but would never get into details because I respect confidetiality way too much . And understand the mportance of it and how it helps to keep the group a safe place to be.

Also we spend a lot of time talking about the bad and rarely get to hear the good of how people are staying clean when we are always focused on those using and how we can make it better for them. Maybe would could start sharing with each other the good we have done in the week and how we are staying clean and what works for us. Never once does a girl using ask another who is not, what they are doing to stay clean and what is helping us who are clean.

I don't know. What I do know is that some changes need to be made. Cause it would break my heart to have to leave. I need to do stuff that helps me grow and I feel so bad saying all this in all honesty because I know my DID attracts attention quite a bit. But the truth is I am tired of hiding behind my DID to share feelings. I want to get brave and start expressing how I am feeling without fear of judgement just cause I have DID. Even people with DID have the right to feel how they do. Feelings are no a matter of right or wrong.

Then at the end of it all I feel like when our regular therapist "Beautiful Spirit" comes back things may start to settle better. The others who have stepped in to help have been nothing short of great but I think there is something to be said about someone being there every week and seeing the real changes happening.

Anyways, I started this off by saying there are a few things and this was the first thing but as far as the 2nd and thrid I will get to them in another entry as I need to go and get some rest.

On a happy note: HAPPY 8 MONTHS TO US!

    Here begins the most likely, won' t make any sense flow of,,,fuck IDK
Things are so fucking nuts inside. Loud as hell and this is a post after not taking our meds today. Not that we never meant to. We just forgot and by the time we remembered it would be too late to take them and function enough to make it for group tomorrow so we past on it. If nothing else it pretty much just keeps us up and unable to really settle.

Fuck, fuck, fuck the world. Still haven't cut in 3 days or so. Not that we didn't want to there are just too many eyes on us around this these days. It is kinda hard to do it when such a bright light is shinning on us. Booooo....

Wrote some shit inside the head today:

Most wouldn't find it funny but, who cares really?!!

16th floor balcony, my friend is not around.
Wonder would it be instant when we hit the ground.


okay, guess not such a good idea to go there but you get the picture. Thinking about suicide again. Which is fucked the hell right up cause we went to an NA meeting tonight where we pretty much screamed of hope. We talked about how much things can get better if we just put even a little effort into it all. How fucking nuts it is that we can go from that to this in just mintutes sometimes. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Who hates being us?? The vote inside comes pretty close to 50/50.

We are really feeling abandoned by most of our support system 3 on vacation and one tied up in other commitments. Fuck that shit is bad timing.

New memories have been coming up left right and center. Fuck that shit needs to stop. Can't seem to deal with it all. Thought about using drugs today after just over 7 months clean. Thinking a little pot could do us good right now. But fuck, if we do a lot of peeps will be pretty messed up about it. And maybe deep down, very very deep down someone still doesn't want us to cause we're not gonna. DAMN IT! cause we sure want to. 

Queen Safety, PDoc P, and Beautiful Spirit (All therapeutic supports) mostly likely would be disappointed and the last thing we want to do is that. They have worked so hard to be there for us, all of us. WOW, this shit is confusing....Use, don't use. Cut, don't cut. Fuck "them", wait no I care about them. FUCK inside peeps, pick one and lets all agree. May be easier to fuck it all up then live in this battle of undecided. 

So to make things that much more confusing: We are: Scared, angry, lonely, sad, hopeful, tired, abandoned, care for, loved, liked, hated..........all around FUCKED UP!!

Guess for now that's it, that's all...no more to see here folks, this shit is fucked up right there.  

Rarely agreed and standing together, tonight’s word vomit has been brought to you by Paula and Sarah.